Electroconvulsive Therapy, (Part I)

Once again I have found myself in the middle of a rather heated Facebook debate. The topic that another girl and I were fighting over is going to be the topic of this post. Our fight was over the big, bad, and awfully scary treatment: electroconvulsive therapy or ECT. And as a disclaimer I’d just like to remind everybody that I am not a doctor and will be writing based off of research I’ve done as well as my own personal experience with it.

Once again I have found myself in the middle of a rather heated Facebook debate. The topic that another girl and I were fighting over is going to be the topic of this post. Our fight was over the big, bad, and awfully scary treatment: electroconvulsive therapy or ECT. And as a disclaimer I’d just like to remind everybody that I am not a doctor and will be writing based off of research I’ve done as well as my own personal experience with it.

Firstly, I’d like to explain what ECT is for those who don’t know. Basically it’s when your brain is briefly electrocuted to induce seizures. It’s mainly used as a last resort treatment for depression, mania, and catatonia. I have heard it described as “cruel and barbaric” which is why I wanted to write about it. I know that it’s different for everybody and I know people who have quite the horror stories when it comes to ECT. But for me it has been life-saving. I’ve never been more happy and stable in my life. The side effects are beyond terrible, but for me, they’re worth it!

Next, I’d like to explain what a round of ECT is like. I have gone for about 15 rounds with my next one 3 ½ weeks away. By my house there is a neurologic institute that has an entire suite dedicated to providing ECT three times a week. Right now I’m going once a month. Most people go three times a week for 3-4 weeks and then either stop and go back to medications or start to go less and less until they reach maintenance therapy which is when you go once every or every other month. I went three times a week for about two weeks but started to go less and less because the side effects were really bad.

First I met with the doctor who would be administering my treatments so he could decide whether he thought it’d be good treatment for me and to discuss how it worked and what to expect. Then I had to get clearance from my primary doctor and go for a routine blood test. Once that was all done and my insurance company quit being a pain in the butt I was approved and ready to start treatment.

I usually get to the place at about 6:15 in the morning, (I like to be the first patient there…they have scheduled times for patients but they usually just take them as they come in. By being there that early I go first and don’t have to wait forever). My mom or boyfriend has to drive me there because I cannot drive myself home afterwards. I climb into one of the hospital beds and fill out all the paperwork while the nurses take my vital signs and get an IV started in my arm. The headaches afterwards are extremely intense so they give me Toradol IV beforehand to lessen the severity of the headaches. Once the psychiatrist gets there I speak to him briefly and am wheeled off to the treatment room. The procedure nurse and anesthesiologist stick leads all over my body and then the anesthesiologist gives me some oxygen. The nurse there that goes into the procedure room to assist the doctors always holds my hand until I go under which is amazing because despite going 15 times, I am still extremely anxious before each treatment. The anesthesiologist then puts something into my IV and my arm gets all burny and achy feeling and within seconds I am knocked completely unconscious. Next thing I know I wake up feeling extremely hungover and then I get into a wheelchair and am wheeled out to my mother’s/boyfriend’s car. Usually once I get home I just sleep for hours.

This was part one of my post. Next, when I have more time, I will go into more details about the treatment including side effects and the controversy. Feel free to comment with any questions and I’ll do my best to answer them in my next post!

Suicide

I wasn’t planning on writing a new post tonight but there’s something I feel like I have to talk about now: grief. I don’t have much experience with it. I never lost anybody close to me. My papa died, but I only felt relieved that he was officially out of pain. And I wasn’t super close with him. But I found out maybe twenty minutes ago that an old friend of mine had passed.

Justin Davis (left) and I (right) at the 2012 Buffalo Gay Pride Parade.

Justin is somebody that I have known for quite a few years. He was best friends with my two younger sisters and met him through them. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him without a giant smile on his face. He was one of the happiest people that I had ever met. And I know for a fact that he always brought smiles to those around him.

Last night I had seen a frantic post from his best friend on Facebook that he had gone missing. I had known him to hangout with people who were bad for him so I figured something bad had happened to him. But today I got news that I didn’t really expect; he had killed himself. I’m not sure how and right now I really don’t care about the details.

Despite knowing everything there is to know about depression, I had no idea that Justin was a suicide risk. He seemed so happy all the time that it’s just something I can’t imagine. I know that people with depression don’t have a black cloud over their heads, but usually I can see some sign. And from what I know, the people closest to him didn’t even expect this.

I am making this post as a memorial to Justin, but I’d also like to use this post to talk about suicide. I’ve been there. Obviously, I’ve never committed suicide. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. In March of 2014 I was admitted to a psychiatric ward because I was such a danger to myself, because the suicidal thoughts were getting so bad. It’s such a terrifying place to be. I remember thinking, “Wait…am I really thinking about killing myself, for real?” I almost always wish I was dead or to not wake up ever again, but to actually plan out a suicide? It’s scarier than anything I’ve ever dealt with. I could also see how upset my parents were. They were upset because they were seeing me in such a state.

The day after my discharge I had gone to pick my boyfriend, B, up to take him to a doctor’s appointment. We had met at the hospital and immediately became best friends and had made plans to hangout as soon as we were free. I was sitting in the waiting room while he saw the doctor when I got a phone call from my dad. My sister, R, was at the hospital I had just left. Apparently during the night she had overdosed on Xanax and a few other things. She was alive but in very bad shape. B and I left to go to the hospital to pick up my other sister from the hospital. She had gone with my parents and R and seeing her twin so messed up was getting to her so we were going to take her home. My parents were both in tears. I had never seen either of them cry in my entire life. They were so scared.

When you commit suicide, you are hurting so many people. I’m not saying that suicide is a selfish act, I’m saying that if you go, people will miss you. You’re important to somebody. Somebody will miss you. You’re not alone. Even if you don’t have the greatest support system in the world, somebody will be hurt. If you’re feeling suicidal I am strongly encouraging you to go to the hospital for an emergency evaluation or call a suicide hotline, (please see my resource pages for some numbers).

Right now I feel numb, like I’m in shock or something. I’ll post my journey through grief once I start it.

Bipolar & Depression (Part II)

My last post, the one on depression, was my informative post. Now that I have gone all Wikipedia and DSM-IV on ya, I think it’s appropriate to discuss depression from a more intimate perspective. I’d like to discuss my experiences with depression. I also have interviewed my boyfriend who has depression, (possibly bipolar type II, diagnosis pending) to find out what depression does to him. And on top of that I got feedback from people in the bipolar support group that I am apart of on Facebook.

I asked my boyfriend, “How does depression effect you?” And he answered, “It makes you not want to do anything. It just makes you not want to get out of bed.” I liked his answer a lot because I know that when I’m depressed, getting out of bed is literally the hardest thing on the planet to do. I even procrastinate going to the bathroom because I’m so unmotivated to leave my bed. And because of this I can’t manage my personal hygiene, go to school, and it messes with my social life hardcore! (Okay, so on a good day my social life is virtually non-existent, but you get my point!) Below is the response I got from a member of a support group on depression:

Depression make every wall impassable for me. I either have too much anxiety to make new friends or have conversation, or I’m too down to be nothing but a buzzkill. It’s a heavy vice that prevents me from really going out and being social. “Oh, they won’t like me once they know the ‘real me.’ ” Or, “There’s no way they’ll wanna be my friend, they’ll just think (fill in the blank)”

Those that are my friends probably either keep their distance to prevent from being triggered themselves or don’t wanna even be bothered with me anymore because I may seem as if I’m reaching out for too much attention. I suppose my depression makes me higher maintenance than most because of how much effort it takes for me to get out of a heavy cycle and enjoy their presences.

In short, it really really REALLY sucks lolz.

My next question: “How does depression effect your relationship with others? Others including but not limited to, friends, family, and your significant other.” My boyfriend told me that, “You push everybody away.” And I’ll be the first to agree. When he’s depressed he does everything to push me away. He also has no idea how to open up and talk about his thoughts and feelings. And while this isn’t the case with every single person with depression, it’s awfully common. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard him tell me, “Danielle, you do realize you’re pushing me away, right? I only want to help you and you’re making it really hard.”

Whether it’s major depressive disorder, grief, bipolar depression, or any other kind, depression just sucks. It’s not fun at all. And no, you just can’t “snap out of it”. When I am depressed I can’t stop thinking negative thoughts about myself and my future. I also have no motivation or energy. And when it gets bad enough, which it has several times, I become so suicidal that I get to take that always fun trip (yes…that was sarcasm) to the emergency room to get evaluated by a psychiatrist and get admitted to a psych ward until the suicidal ideations subside enough that I can be safe.

Depression is awful, end of story.

Bipolar & Depression (Part I)

So in the past few days I have made a list of future blog topics based off of what people in a support group told me they wanted. So naturally I showed the list to my boyfriend and told him to pick a topic for me to write about tonight. And naturally, him being him, he ignored the list and picked his own topic: depression. I have decided however that this is a great topic to write about. Thusly this post will be based off of our experience with depression rather than just mine.

There are a variety of disorders that are depressive in nature and I like to include bipolar in there because every type of bipolar experiences some form of depression. It is a crippling mood episode and it just fuckin’ sucks to be blunt.

Firstly, I should start with some education: causes, symptoms, and treatment. Then I will blather on about its effects and stuff!

So what are the symptoms of depression? Some of them are obvious and well known, but their are others that people don’t know about until they are depressed. Below is a list of symptoms:

• Low mood
• Anhedonia: the inability to enjoy activities that you normally enjoy
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Illogical guilt or regret
• Hopelessness or pessimism
• Self-hatred or deflated self-esteem
• Withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities
• Reduced sex drive, (often made worse by antidepressants!)
• Poor concentration
• Suicidal ideations: thoughts or preoccupations or obsessions with suicide or death
• Insomnia (difficulty sleeping) OR hypersomnia (sleeping too much)
• Fatigue
• And in extreme cases, psychosis. Psychosis can include delusions or hallucinations or both

But what causes these symptoms? Why do people become depressed? There are different categories for the causes which I have broken down into:

1. Biological/Genetic
2. External Factors
3. Evolution
4. Drugs & Alcohol

Probably my least favorite thing in the world is when somebody says, “But your life is awesome! There’s no way you’re depressed!” Yeah, you’re right. Because my life is good I have to be sound of mind. No. Depression and bipolar depressive episodes occur in many cases for no apparent reason. You can meet the love of your life and get a major job promotion and be depressed the next day because your brain decided, “Eh, gonna mess with ya’ today!” This happens because depression has a major biological basis. From what I know, it hasn’t been exactly determined what biologically happens to cause depression but there are many well-supported theories. It is thought that depression happens because of the irregular production of 3 different neurotransmitters: serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. Neurotransmitters are basically the chemicals in your brain that send signals to make your body do stuff.

The next cause is external factors. This one is a little more plain and simple. Depression caused by external events is a depression that results after things like loss of a job, loss of a loved one, and things like that. This is more closely related to PTSD but this can trigger depressive episodes in bipolar disorder as well.

The third cause is evolution. To be perfectly honest I don’t know much about this. This is a theory that says depression became a part of the gene pool to enhance a person’s reproductive fitness.

And the last is drugs and alcohol. Again, plain and simple. Abuse of drugs or alcohol can make a person depressed. Though this relationship goes both ways. Many people seek out drugs or alcohol to cope with depression caused by something else.

And next up: treatment. How do you treat depression? There are three popular methods: psychotherapy, medications, and electroconvulsive therapy. Psychotherapy is just talk therapy. There are a ton of different types, (CBT, DBT, art therapy, ect) and your therapist or counselor will decide which they think will benefit you most. Medications for depression are called antidepressants. The most common ones include Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Wellbutrin, ect. They act on various neurotransmitters to make you less depressed. Though it does take a lot of trial & error to determine which works best for each patient. They also have a lot of side effects but are generally effective. The last type of treatment is ECT. This is used when all other measures have failed. Doctors shock you to induce seizures which over time will relieve your depression. This method is pretty effective but is a last-resort sort of thing because 1) patients are usually afraid of it and 2) the long-term effects of it.

Mental Illness & Love

Love is difficult when you’re stable. But when you’re unstable, it’s a struggle. And when you’re both unstable? What a nightmare! It’s not impossible; it requires a lot of hardwork, but loving somebody and being loved when you’re unstable is definitely 100% possible. And I can say that with absolute confidence because I have bipolar and love (and am loved) by somebody with depression.

We met during my second trip to the psychiatric ward, (romantic, right?!). I was admitted for feelings of suicidal ideation. I was absolutely miserable. I didn’t want treatment. I planned to end things as soon as I was released. But then I met somebody. He was a little older, 24 at the time. He was there for the same reason as I was. Immediately I noticed how good-looking he was. I was praying to whatever gods that existed that he would talk to me because I was WAY too shy to talk to him. And he did. He invited me to join him and a few others in a intense game of Jenga. Then I realized that he was highly flirtatious, out-going, and made me laugh for the first time in months.

We became best friends in the hospital. And, despite the staff’s warnings, we left the hospital around the same time and immediately began to hangout. We were attached at the hip and did everything together. But I fell for him more quickly than I ever thought even possible. It wasn’t long before I realized that I was in love. He said that he had feelings for me, but seeing as it was his last relationship that led him to the hospital, he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

I was completely convinced that I had no chance with him. I couldn’t accept that he just wasn’t ready. My low self-esteem told me that he just didn’t want me. And because of it I fell into a wicked depressive episode.

But he slept over all the time. Sleepovers were totally normal for us. And on July 30th, 2014 he looked at me and with sincerity in his eyes told me that he loved me. Ever since then we’ve been a couple.

In the short time we’ve been dating our relationship has definitely been tumultuous. Between his depression and my mood instability we run into plenty of problems. Our biggest one being me finding strength. I have never had any strength. I always relied on others to give me their support. And my boyfriend gives me all the support that he can. He’s my rock. He’ll do anything to see me happy. But often times he needs me to be his rock. And that’s something I just don’t know how to do. It’s something that I’m working on.

The point to this rambling is that love is entirely possible whether one or both of you have a psychiatric diagnosis. I encourage you all to be understanding of other’s problems and supportive, and expect the same from them. You need to be able to stand on your own, but your partner should understand your problems and be there for you when they become too much.

What are some of your love stories?